Thankful and Hopeful

As you may know at one point in the last few weeks I had families in both Spain and France picking me and I thought that I would be able to go and leave. Sadly, the family I really want to go to in France said no. I'm a little sad and disappointed to say in the least because I got so excited about it. I'm glad that I have this little diary about my journey because this is challenging to say the least. I really loved this family and I ended up picking this family only to be held back again. I was ready to sign on with them. I have never thought I was going to be so emotional about picking a family before. I try not to get emotional about people not liking me or wanting me. In this case I feel very different. Maybe it's because I put my heart into it and I put myself out there too much. I don't know. I can't imagine what it's like for these women that I have read in their blogs go through. Leaving there families to work at a job that might not work out too well is brave. I really do admire you girls for doing this amazing journey. I just hope I can be able to experience this. All I did was read Wikipedia about this and started my research, got on Aupair World and meet some amazing families. I'm thankful for the opportunity but not sure if I still want to continue on this journey or not.We will see.

I'm thankful for the simple things like being able to walk, talk, hear out of my right ear, dance, sing, play and enjoy the little things. With the American Independence day coming up this week I have been reading my history and proud to be an american because we have this Independence that we as american's take for granted. In some countries you can't speak about politics or how the government is run. There are many other things but I want to say to founding fathers thank you. Thank you for your dream of a country where we can worship how we choose, protecting our rights as citizens and being able to be free. Yes, we live in time where racism is still real, hate, and our economy are some of the most important issues that we face but we are still a blessed nation. As I get ready to close this post I want to be thankful for everything that I have but hopeful for the future for all the people in the world. Happy Early Independence Day Y'all :) It's my favorite holiday in the world :) :) :) *Dance, Dance*

Dreams and Realities Ahead Part II

This family will be living in the middle of France. They have 3 children all girls. Most of the kids are really young. The oldest kid in the group that I may watch is 8 year old boy. All the kids are really young. So they are in the age group I really want. Now there are others but I have not really heard from them too much. There has been some hit and misses. Some families have talked to me but never gave me more information. I don't have too much more time with interviewing since I have to start the whole visa process soon. It has to under 3 months old so doctor appointments and stuff has to be taken care of and I need to do that soon as possible. Hopefully I can do it all in a timely manner. I'm not sure since my dream is to go to France because that's where my heart is really but I'm willing to go to Spain because I feel like the families are more genuine. What will stop me from going to spain is the visa because they don't play around and I'm not feeling the idea of being deported out of the country. So it may end up being france for just that reason. However going to Spain will teach me about a new language that I should had paid attention to as it spoken here as well since we have immigrants that speak spanish. my best friend speaks French and English. I really going to have to dig deep into my heart and soul. I'm also going to have to research each country as well. Thankfully I have been keeping up with the news. That will also determine where I go as well. My heart is torn is really torn.

Decisions and Realities Ahead Part I

I can't believe I'm sitting here on my bed thinking about the final decisions I will have to make soon. I never thought that one day in March looking at something on wikipedia about an au pair would lead to this. I didn't believe that girls and boys really do leave their homes and live in another country from anywhere from 1 to 12 months at most. I didn't know that some leave longer than that and may lead into other things. Reading about other ladies blogs on the subject made me want to see if I could do this myself. It made me wonder what life outside the United States is like. Believe me I love my hometown of New York City. I'm an New Yorker by heart and birth. I love my favorite holidays of Independence Day, Christmas and of course my birthday. I love the fact that IHOP and 7/11 is open 24/7. I love Forever21, art museums, and dancing in parades that I have no business being in. I love my language of English and being able to understand the simple things but realizing this made me realize how blessed we truly are as americans. We are generally safe here in America. Yes, we as americans take for granted the simple things like walking, talking, laughing and slowing down our lives for a second. We are constantly on the move and never truly stop to think or enjoy our lives. Unless you include dancing on the dance floor on the weekends...lol. I'm blessed to the fullest to have what I have...period. I'm going to miss everything that I have but gain even more.

As for the decision I have to make on which country I must leave for Spain or France. I wish my friends make the decision for me but so far I'm not getting a mixture but mostly Spain or hope for the best. There are going to be somethings that will affect my decision like the place (city, town or country), the family, visa requirements, and my heart into it. My first family which I will call Ms. I lives in Spain. Her family live in the southeast part of Spain. Her family has 3 children (one boy and two girls). So a climate like Sicily, Italy that I grew up in. My second family which I will call Ms. Y lives in Spain. Her family live in the middle of spain. She has 2 children (one boy and one girl). My third family which I will call Ms. S and lives in France. She lives in southeast part of France. She lives in a city. This is a british family that happens to live in France. They have three children (two boys and one girl). I have one more family which I will call Ms. T. They live here in Virginia and are going back to France this year so I will get to meet them in person. I will have to finish writing in part 2 to not make this too long....

The dreams of a little girl...

Is it crazy that I had a dream about a little girl swinging around and playing?

No, it's not crazy but wanting to see myself as a little girl again. I have never really dream about that too much. I guess we forget what it is like to wonder, grow and take everything in. Even I forget to just let life come to you and enjoy every moment. We often must worry about surviving, having enough food on the table, having a good job and just being lucky to be apart of this earth. It doesn't matter where you live you are constantly dealing with the demands called life. As a child we are not supposed to worry about life but live and relive (by retelling the story over and over) but as an adult everything changes. I realized how I wasn't ready for it all. At my age you would think I would just shut it up and keep it moving and stop being a baby. Believe me I do it and put my life in constant danger because of it. Well, I'm not that simple, am I? I guess no one is anymore. There are so many new treats these days and low tolerance of everything from religion to education. It's sad. We can't allow kids to be kids anymore but mini adults who have a harder time deal with life later on because the tools we need to deal with life are not there. It's scary what grief and heartbreak would do to a beautiful little girl. It makes you closed in and not enjoy life. So what does all of this have to do with me...everything. I was that little girl who was swinging around playing but wanting something more than money couldn't buy me. I wanted a real childhood. I didn't get that between losing my family because of death and abuse I learn to be alone. I struggle with friendships, family, spelling, understanding things, being a child in a 27 year old body and most of all acceptance. We need to accept life and people at where they are in there life and not hurt them in any way form or fashion. We need to respect people. Most importantly respect life. In the end the little girl got to play with children. I'm blessed that I get to do that with the kids I teach everyday no matter how difficult my day gets. I get to do what I'm so good at now...smile. 

That what was my look at your self moment but in Au Pair news I got to talk to a spanish family. So far the family is nice and sweet. I really do hope I get to talk to more soon. I hope I get the job. I do like this family and willing to learn spanish. I'm also talking to two french families. One an hour away from Paris and one in the city of Paris. These families seem really nice so far and I'm leaning towards france. However, until then I'm going to enjoy my last summer in Virginia. I'm also going to be working a second job so that I can afford things. I'm not playing anymore these are my dreams on the line and determination is key. I'm really lucky to have this opportunity to be able to even interview for these families. I hope I do get this experience. This has taught me so far that you can never stop having experiences or dreams. You can only stop them by not believing or giving up. Never give up on your dreams or yourself. It has taken me years to understand this and I'll never let this lesson go. It has taken seven years to understand the reality of fear and how powerful it can be on a person. Fear is the living reality of death. You are not living if you are in fear but dying in a walking state. I know that sounds scary but that is how I view fear now. I have lived in serious fear and I have overcome some fears and I know I need to overcome some more. This time around I'm willing to do this for me. It's for me to discover freedom. The freedom of being that little girl on the swing who just wanna have fun. :) 

Starting of summer: Growing up Pains and Heartbreaks

Finally! Summer is here in Virginia!!! These days I'm dealing with changes as I'm trying to redefine my life. I'm trying to figure out my life while dealing with people who don't quite understand the reality of our friendship. I'm realizing that I'm changing and that I'm not willing to be so giving anymore. Is that so bad that I gave myself until the point of being burnt out? I believe that this is why I have not been willing to do anything these days. I hope that people will understand that I'm not the same person anymore. I am more that just the girl who has always had to prove herself. I'm the sweetest  person you will ever know but I can the meanest person if you get on my bad side. My best friend call it the black side of me. Yes I'm a crazy black girl walking around always getting nearly killed by a car daily because of living with my hearing impairment (One of my major issues that I live with). I wish there was a rule book for me that says this is how you live your life will go. It will be like a warning book of sorts of who is going to hurt, love, and be there for you even before you reach that point. However, I'm realizing that I just got to keep going, be myself, smile and keep the haters hatting because they have nothing else to do.

Meanwhile in the Au pair world...I'm really proud to say that I have three families so far who is interested in me. One in Spain and Two in France. I'm waiting to find out when the interviews will take place. With me wanting to start this adventure in September or October I have realized how dangerous and scary of what I'm doing. I hope I choose the right family and place for me. The Au pair life will not an easy life because of me not knowing spanish at all and have the little basic's of the french language, knowing the place I will be living, the family really liking me or not, surviving a whole new country without another support system out there, having a social life and living with a family, lastly with me having my daily problems with having my disabilities. It's not just the unknowns but of safety. However, I'm not going to live my life because you can't walk down the street or being fearful these days. The thugs like I will call them will want us to not come and learn the beautiful languages and cultures of these beautiful countries. I have been doing research and reading other blogs out there featuring these countries. I'm continuing to do that while preparing for all of this. Well, I got to go and I hope you enjoy the season where you are. I'm ready to enjoy which will hopefully be my last summer in my beautiful home country of the United States of America.