Oh Holy Night: The Holiday's Edition

I love the song "Oh Holy Night". Yes, I understand it is a Christmas song people. However, I love the x-mas flash mob version at the museum of fine arts in Boston, Massachusetts. It makes me cry every time I play it. I always get this feeling of peace and hope. Things I admire during Christmas time. I hope your Christmas was wonderful. I wonder would it be like to have Christmas in the summer like the people in Australia does? I need to experience that one year of my life. Anyway, My Christmas was a day of reflection, cleaning and prayer. I cleaned my house and re fixed the decorations since we had kids over a couple days before and since I was so exhausted from working like crazy and taking out braids. I was so tired that You Tube watched me fall asleep. It was the peaceful time I needed. I needed a day when someone didn't need my services every five min's. I felt good after a day of rest. My Christmas presents from my friends and boss didn't come until after Christmas. I didn't expect any presents since I knew I wasn't getting anything this year. I don't really care about presents but the fact that people think of me is an wonderful thing. What did I get... 4 new perfumes, 10 new lip glosses that came as an package, 2 new lotions (mini ones that comes with keys), 2 water bottles, and a flashlight. That came from my friend Krystal and her family. Now my boss gave me a shirt which was beautiful, Godiva chocolate, apples and oranges. I just found out that it's Belgium chocolate! What I love Belgium chocolate thanks to Elisabeth from college. Hopefully it will be wonderful. I will tell you if it's good or not. I have been given family and friends cards this year because I couldn't afford too much. I want to thank these people for thinking about me. I appreciate the love that you shown me. Peace and love!

Unfortunally, my host family have not seen their Christmas cards yet! It makes me sad. I was hoping that it would arrive early since it only takes four days to get to Europe! What's wrong with the postal service...you immigrants! I know I should not say that word in that way but please come on....you can't deliver a Christmas card on time? Really people? I hate slow services. I better learn to be patient...quick. hahahaha. I guess it's a little different in Spain then since there holidays don't end until January 6th. As for me getting on this flight that's something I will be working on tomorrow. I need to be able to tell my host mom something so they can figure this out. I have to talk to my landlord/lady tomorrow as well. Once I finish my last work day on Monday I'll celebrate then it will be countdown to 2014 and then 15 days to my first international flight ever!!! Got to go and figure out dinner. I'm hungry and knowing me I got to walk 20 mins for dinner. I better get used to walking everywhere. Peace and love everyone :)

My Hero: My Brother Eric

As the Christmas Holiday's come in and we celebrate our families being together. We also celebrate Jesus' Birthday. Some people don't celebrate his birthday but that's ok with me. As long as I celebrate his birthday in style I'm A-OK. That's why we are celebrating it on Christmas Eve with my church family.

For me, I get to celebrate his holiday alone due to my nieces and newfew's being away. All except one. Most of my family goes to see my brother in law's family. Since I have major issues with them I have learned to spend that time alone and drama free. I was supposed to spend this year with my friends family but couldn't do that sadly. I work the day after Christmas then I'm off again.

Also on this day I'll have to do the last ceremony of the year which is my brother's death anniversary. It's was actually around the 12th or during exam time but with my work schedule I couldn't so I'm doing on Christmas. I get to spend time with him and sing his favorite song which is Whitney Houston's "I'll always love you". He was the best brother I ever had. He loved me and was protective of me. I was his age when he died so it makes me sad. All I know is that he was sick and he just died. The only picture of him that I have is the one with me and him having fun. Who ever took that picture was crazy. So that's my weekend ahead. I'm so blessed and thankful for everything.
Happy Holiday's and Merry Christmas.

One Crazy Saturday: Let the holiday's begain...yay!!!

Hello World! I hope you guys are doing better today.At the moment I'm listening to "Better Today" by Neyo. I love Neyo's music so much. I first fell in love with his music as an 22 year old in college student and in love with one of my sweethearts. Wow I feel old. Today was crazy as I saw an early morning fight in all places McDonalds. It's too early to start an baby mama fight at 10:00am. Yo, I'm trying to eat my breakfast you stupid lady. I like to eat in peace not in war. I don't want to watch this go down either...thank you for waking me up though. I don't want spilled tea on my clothes. The bad part is that she spilled the tea on one of her daughters. Sadly, her three children watched this go down and got kicked out of their. Then she waited for her ex boyfriend to get out of McDonalds to start the fighting again. Lastly, called the police or popo (as they called it here) on her ex boyfriend. All of this hot mess just because you see your ex boyfriend with a new girl. This is too much for me. I got to talk to the new girlfriend on my way to work. She was so upset watching her boyfriend get rolled up on and being taken to jail right before Christmas. That's some ghetto mess that you only see on tv and brought into your front door on a Saturday morning. By the time I started to go to work and I only stayed for 30mins. Now you think I would be really upset by this. Really I'm not. I think that mistakes are made along the way. My phone is gone so I had no way of knowing that my boss was preventing me of coming so I took it as a lost but had an entertaining show this morning. Went to the mall, delivered some Christmas cards to my landlord and my family, I won't be home for most of the day on Christmas. I mostly spent Christmas' alone now. I will honor Jesus' birthday and deal with the final ceremony for the year...my brother's death anniversary.  Normally I do this before Christmas and I may do it on Monday to honor him. It's going to be too many children at my house and I'm tired of children and I'm ready for rest. I just didn't get a break at all this week so I'm so ready for a break and enjoy a little bit. I may or may not write anymore so Happy Holiday's to everybody and if you celebrate Christmas and I'll say Merry Christmas. Enjoy this time with your family and friends. Enjoy the life that you have. Be good and take care one another. Merry Christmas from NY Girl! :)

Celebrations, Rain and Youtube Night!!!

After two weeks of not really having food, sometimes not eating at all, crying my heart out and doubting my future I'm happy to say that this part of my hardship is over. Let's celebrate! "Can't hold us" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis is starting my own club night, I'm not trying dressing in this rain...OH NO!!! Believe me, my celebration night will come because I'm willing to go crazy but I'll just do Club NYC. I can drink in my own house and pass out if I want without having to trying to get home...holla! I don't have to worry about drunk men but my crazy self will end up hurting myself anyway...lol. The joys of being me. Loving me is accepting me the way I am. As for the rain...I know we need you and all but can you please step to the left. I'm not down with you being here. However, I love the fact that you make the earth clean and beautiful so I need to not complain but enjoy the beauty of it. I need to learn how to just be in the moment in life. I hopefully will learn that in Spain. You Tube is my life outside of work now...lol. I'm done teaching art for the semester. I'm falling in love with You Tube. Since I don't have a boyfriend these days I have to fall in love with You tube. You tube is like the movies, playlist, history class and more. Yes, I know that You tube can't make my dinner or give me a bubble bath but it has given me more entertainment than anything else. That is why you don't see me in my living room that much. I just go in the kitchen to get the food for my room. That's really sad I know but I don't do too much of anything else. Well I am going back to my club night in my bed...hahahaha...loving the rest night in my own club.

"Forever in a dreamland means you never have to grow up or do you? " -me talking about dreams

Christmas Holidays...Almost for me

Tonight as I type this down it's almost Thursday morning so I have one more day. I got two busy weekends ahead and then it will be the Christmas holidays for me...yay. I'm ready for the kids to leave on break now. I love the kids but I'm ready to leave now. Sadly, I have not been able to really enjoy the holidays because of the work hours, the bus system and being sick. Being around children do allow yourself to get really sick at times. This weekend I will surprise my roommate this weekend with her gift from me which will be to put the Christmas decorations together. I'm so excited because I have been so blessed with everything that I have this year and want to show how much I appreciate her helping me so much this year. Since I won't be able to afford her an actual gift this will have to do. I have not been able to pay my rent since I got paid but had my paycheck put on hold. So I'm hoping I get two paychecks...yay. Now I can afford food again on Friday. I am hoping to also enjoy the little things for the holidays ahead like to go ice skating, and seeing the lights on Friday night. I hope to enjoy the new year celebrations as well.

Meanwhile I leave my job on December 30th 2013. Since I will be leaving on January 15th 2014....I plan on leaving for Spain. It will be 9 days before my 28th birthday.  I will have to leave on January 15th since I have to get my final paycheck before I leave the country. So I have to start telling everyone finally what's been going on with me. I hate goodbyes but I have to do this. I want to leave to start over and have an amazing life ahead. Got to go. It's late and I have not been sleeping lately because of HRT. I'll tell you about that on Friday night. Peace out world. :)

I'm sick...in bed on my day off

It sucks being sick and watching YouTube videos all day on and off. I'm even typing with one hand. I hope to be able eat actual food soon. I have not eaten since yesterday. I have been sleeping as well. However I'm a little sad because I won't be able to give in the annual z104 stuff the bus tonight. It's one of my favorite things to do on the holiday. I wish I was going to feel better but I rather not put myself in any danger. I need strength for tomorrow. I have to open up for work. I'm listening to Glee's version of "Oh Holy Night". It's one of my favorite Christmas song's. I love Glee's music. It's a cute show. Even though I don't really watch the t.v shows. I don't watch t.v these days. My computer as t.v shows. I even watch episodes on them but you do need to life outside of the computer.

 I'm excited about tomorrow since I'm going to have fun. I hope to be able to go my friends Christmas party tomorrow. With me losing my phone I have no way to get on my Facebook. I believe it's this weekend. I hope to be let off early. I got to go. I hate being sick.

My life is changing

Well, My world is changing every second. I will not have a job anymore after the 30th of December. I am terrified about the future knowing now I'm told that I won't be able to get a job here in Virginia. Yes, I made mistakes to where now I won't be able to get a job or not but I want more. I am not my mistakes and I'm not a failure. Yes, I have a Au pair position now in Spain. I'll be leaving between January 12th -15th. I'm glad this chapter of my life is ending because it was too much stress on my body. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to be a teacher so right now I need to find myself. I need to find out what I am going to do with my future. I'm blessed to still be alive today. I'm blessed to know that I'll have another opportunity is to change and grow. It's time to see what adventures I can get into now.  Knowing that change is coming is difficult but now knowing that you are not wanted makes me realized that it is time to go.
Love, Miss NY Girl

The Countdown Begains...6 Weeks away...Spain 2014!

As I ponder about life I realized I only have 6 weeks before my first international flight. Which means I only have that time to decorate the house for Christmas, New Years, wash clothes and get the money. Finally say goodbye to my friends and family. Saying Goodbye to my best friend is going to be so hard because she have always been only a phone call away. I also have to say goodbye to my friends since high school and my church family. Can I really say goodbye to everybody who loves me so much. My family doesn't know yet and will not know until it's time to go. I don't want to give a false warning like I did last time. I normally go to service on Sunday's but I took a break to answer my Skype thing. I talked to my host mom today. I got to see my room today, my home and everything. I even got to talk to little E and his sister was sleeping. He is one of the children who I will be watching. I'll be watching a little boy and a little girl. I'll be living in a house where I will have my own room with a bathroom in it. I never had a room like that.  I'm living with a swimming pool outside and inside...wow! I'll have an beautiful little home. We live near the mountains where we will go skiing. I am ready for the new experience now. I'm ready for more changes. I hope I will taste my last McDonalds, Subway, I hop and more. I'm going to miss this all. I'm really leaving...am I? I feel freedom...a New York girl finally is going to live a piece of my dream.

Who are you today?

I know I don't normally post day to day like this but with all the emotions and feelings that I'm having I need to pour it out. I'm at peace now knowing that soon this semester is almost over. However, I'm having to make an decision to either leave my job now or at the end of December. I have spend this entire time trying to just make it until December. I have for a long time wanting to leave my job because I don't have the heart for this anymore. I was told that I will never be able to become an teacher which broke my heart. It tore it to pieces. I love teaching my kids. It's challenging because of the behaviors of the children but it's worth it in the end. I'm not loving my schedule right now. I hate working nights with so many children. I didn't mind it doing the day when I have some more energy but right now it's has run out by 7pm. By 9pm I run away from my job and walk the dangerous streets and underpasses to my bus now. My best friend worries as normal because of the idea of me getting hit by a car. It's higher for me because of me not being able to hear them coming. However, I still adore and love working with children. There are some children who run in and give me the biggest hugs ever. It's worth it when I can get a hug at the end of the day. Right now, I'm torn because the holidays are coming up and I want to say goodbye but I need to work a second job to afford the 2,000 flight from here to Spain. It will take three airplane flights and anywhere between 18 to 24 hours of travel. I'm nervous this whole idea of flying my first flight all by myself over the Atlantic Ocean towards my new home. I have to in order to get to Spain. If anybody have any tips for me please help! I'll be talking to my host family soon before they have an holiday outside of the country of Spain. Final thoughts: Take each day as if it is your last and never take anything for granted....period. Spain 2014!

Thanksgiving Weekend Part Two

For now, I'm just thankful for everything. I'm found my family but we are trying to see if we can find a way for me to stay for a year than three months in Spain. I have so many questions and so many hopeful answers. I know miss "J" is still trying to live her life over there. I'm hoping that she contacts me soon since I lost my phone like a smart girl always do. Lose her phone at a fun part of the holiday's. So a 30 dollar replacement...OH BOY!!! Somebody get me. I have to remember I lose everything from my keys to the kids' projects. I put things where they don't belong. I'm so upset about that one. I bet I'll find it as soon as I buy this new phone. My eyelash is coming off my eye...OH NO!!! I don't have the glue to put it back on. Thank Goodness for my roommate being here still hopefully I can get a hold of her before I leave. If not I'll have to take this off. I need to eat as well.

For the rest of this weekend I plan on doing the following, Have a meeting with my host family, shopping, go to work, Christmas shopping, love, and ice skating. Be proactive and pay my rent. Who hate paying rent...I do.  We are blessed for everything. Let's go!

Bye!!!!

Thanksgiving Weekend (Part One)

Hello World!!!
I'm sitting here listening to Ariana Grande's album "Yours Truly". My favorite songs from her is "Baby I" and "Almost Is Never Enough". I love her voice as well. I spend Thanksgiving Day alone and I'm ok with that. I wasn't feeling too great anyway. This afternoon I will go out and get some toilet paper and some Christmas things for Sunday. I will also go to the mall to get into the Christmas Sprit.  After church I'll be decorating the house for my roommate like I did last year as an surprise. It's not easy to deal with crazy me. I'm a loner by nature but I'm willing to do new things. I got my makeup done yesterday and I look like a doll. I have eye lashes on as well. I hope I can keep up with them. I plan on getting some make up for tomorrow so I can look so pretty. I need to feel a little better since I have been feeling crappy for the last few weeks. I'm not enjoying my job anymore. I love children but with my disabilities I'm afraid being an teacher may be out of my reach now. Sometime I have to remember how far have I come these past few years. I can have control over my class. It took time but I did it before. I just don't deal with busy kids very well. I understand that these kids are humans like us and have intense feelings but I work better with easy going kids I guess. I think I'm getting tired of being here as well. So as this semester ends I need to leave my job and go back to being an Nanny temporary. I need plans just in case this Spain thing doesn't work out. I became devastated when I couldn't go to France. I need to find a place where I can go without being judge or feeling afraid.

Things and people can change. I did. I did change into knowing myself a little more. I understand that I need to follow my heart. I tried to do that before but my fear always completely stop me. Better yet I allowed my heart to stop beating as myself. I'm listening to Tori Kelly's "Dear No One" again. I'm going to break You tube one day....hahahahah. I'm worth it today. I'm worth being happy. I don't service to anyone being exhausted or unhappy. My heart is not here. I can't pretend anymore. I can't just deal with it anymore. I did that before because I refused to listen to my heart. I'm not over the pain of losing my family due to the choices that I made of listening to fear instead of common sense. I made graved mistakes that cost me everything. I'm thankful for everything for what I do have which is my faith in God, my family (both first and second families), my job and the people who are in it, love, peace and understanding, lessons learned in the past and yet the present, church, and finally the future. Thank you for everything God! Giving thanks for everything should not be a one time thing but it's an everyday thing. I'm blessed period despite all of my mistakes. I do have some people who stood by my side when my world fell down so I'm thankful for them as well. Wish me well because I want the same for you. I want everybody to be happy and sound with their life and live your dreams. I'm trying to live in mine so live in yours! Part two coming :)

My Life Lesson's at 27

Good Morning World! I'm thinking about my future and how I want something more than trying to survive everyday boring life. Life has to be more about work, church and repeat. Lately, most of these blogs have been about my future but I don't really talk about my present. My present evolves mostly of my job with these crazy kids, my home life with my roommate and my crazy second family and my friends. Yes my life is dedicated to the kids. I'm always thinking about them like a mother thinks of the kids. According to some people I don't have a life. No, I don't have a "man" in my life. For now, I don't want a relationship. I just want to grow as person and have a little fun. I have learned many lessons about myself and life this year.

This blog came at the time of my life when I was seeking something different. I wanted a diary thing that is public yet private. It's private because you don't know my real name. All you know is that I was born in New York hence the name NY Girl. However, I do live in Norfolk, Virginia. I don't really talk about my family but I do have a sister and her family built by marriage. As for me, since I'm an orphan at this point I have been brought up by so many people who have touched my life. I'm still dealing with the reality of not having a mother and father on this earth. Other than that I'm having to learn to live this life alone with help of course. Life and people will let you down but you must be willing to stand up and keep going. Even if you need help doing it...just do it. Fight for yourself. Put yourself first then everyone else. Yes, I'm being selfish right now but I helped raised children at a young age. I sacrificed my dreams because it will all I knew. Now, I know that they need to see a family member succeeding. Loving my lessons on life. Bye World :)

Live your dreams: I'm going to spain edition

Good Afternoon World! I'm sitting here on my bed on an Friday afternoon doing fine. This is my only day off so I'm trying my hardest trying to get my life and dreams in order. I should give you an update on the Au pair life. I been talking to a lot of families and I finally got an family. I will call the family "E". This family lives in Spain and they are an Spanish family of course. I got to talk to the au pair that they have now and I'll call her "J'. "J" she is an American citizen who loved her Spanish life. Poor baby, I feel bad replacing her. I even got to talk to some of her friends. They live in Haro, La Rioja, Spain. I goggled earth it. It looks like an beautiful place where I get to learn and grow. I'll be taking care of two kids. One boy and one girl. I also have to speak English to them and I get to learn Spanish. I'll have it easier since I already learned Italian at an earlier age. French was going to be harder for me especially with me having an learning disability and an hearing impairment. I will be living there for three months. I'm thinking about trying to see if I can get into a school so I can stay there a year. The family adores me and willing to help me to get into a school so that I can stay there longer. So yes, I'm excited but worried about it all. I'm not sure if this going to really happen or not. I don't want this to turn into what France did to me the first time. I was really disappointed. So sometime soon you will get more details of me leaving and things.

Meanwhile it's the holiday season starting next week or in Norfolk, Virginia it will be this weekend. I'm soposed to help in the parade. Hopefully I get out of work earlier enough not to be late. I hate to be late for anything but I can't help it if I am being forced to work for two weekends strait....my bad people. I would think it would be after the thanksgiving season. I love the holidays with the winter carnival. This year I'm thinking about taking my oldest niece so I can spend some time with her. She would love that. If anybody have an idea for an fun activity for a two year old. I can't believe my youngest niece is almost three years old. Wow! I love when she see's me that she wants to spend time with her aunt. I guess that's what happens when kids are around me. I'm thinking about going to the million blub walk as well. I need a boyfriend for things like that. I'll see if my sister will take me so all I have to do is pay for myself :). That's so wrong...isn't it? Well. between all this fun I got to do this borning thing called my calendar, rest, clean the house and wash clothes. Oh boy! Got to go! Live out your dreams. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything. I'm trying to live my dreams :)

Counting my blessings

I sit here on a sunny day thinking about the blessings that I have been granted. I'm sitting here thinking about all those people who walked me along this journey becoming a better person. It's has been a long year of disappointments into something greater...discoving myself. Listening music so early in the morning is a blessing. The fact that I can hear out of my only ear is a great thing. No, I function as an child myself but I am stronger than ever. Yes, I made a mistake of allowing people to hurt me and I lost my family as an result. I still need to heal but I'm worth it in the end. I want to travel the world, discover the world outside of the United States. Keep on swimming to lean towards your dreams and world that you seek to find. I'm blessed in so many ways that I'm going to enjoy it.
Love Miss New York Girl

Friday: Payday madness

Lately, I have been too tired to deal with people. Is that really bad? My friend will call K is getting on my nerves. People don't understand that I work five days a week and Friday's are my only day off. Why don't people get it. Leave me the hell alone on Friday's. Sometimes I have to work six days a week. I can't help that I work at nights. I can't help that I'm on this get out of Virginia kick now. I'm tired of having to babysit grown people. I take care of 10-15 kids on a daily basics. So on Friday's do I feel like hanging out with you and having to deal with your mess...let's make that a big NO!!! Sorry people I do get frustrated when I got to get things done before I can "have my fun". I don't know about you but I'm not sitting here having a great time. I'm sitting here answering parent's emails. It will almost be a year of this looking for a family in March. Thank you for letting me let out my anger.

Yes I The song I'm in love with at the moment is "Dear No One" by Tori Kelly. This song has capture my heart. I can't help it. When the world is quiet is when I'm at my most peaceful listening to this song. I'm inspired to keep going no matter what. Other than music, we have our stove and our heat!!! Yay! You don't know what is like to have an beautiful apartment without heat. As for families, I'm starting over again. My family found someone else. I'm really sad but hopefully. Well, I got to go. I still have errands to run but next time more on the life of Miss NY Girl before the journey :)

Broken stove and heat+ messed up computer+ an painful ear = A long week

It has been a long week for me. I'm exhausted to the fullest. However, washing clothes and cleaning my house later on this evening will be perfect for me. That's how I spend my Sunday people by working. It's been crazy with my stove was really old so the circuit breaker went out on us. I mean really stove you brought out four fire trucks to our house...hahaha. Then the heat said peace out! Really, My heat but it's all cool. Things really do work out in the end...we will get both done by next week. I'm happy about that. As all of these things my computer has broken as well. The switch that tells you that the internet is working is gone. So I have two choices I can either get a new one or get a new computer. It's crazy how this going but I need to figure this out. Other than that...my work is killing me mostly. I'm over this week but next week I get to be peanut m&m's so it's all good

As for my Au pair World, I got a family who said that I would be an good candidate. I hope it really happens. I'm ready to jump into an airplane and move on with my life. The family lives in Spain. They live in Western Spain so I'm ok with that. They have two kids. They have one boy and one girl. The girl is so sweet. I didn't get to meet the boy but I think he might be a sweet boy. I will spend a year with them hopefully. That has always been my goal to spend a lovely year. I have also been talking to other families until I get something official.  I just hope I can deliver what I have been given as a new challenge for me. I hope I can be an wonderful au pair. I can only find that same hope that everyone has that hope for me to figure out my own life and live my dreams without people stopping me.

I can't believe I will be 28 in three months. This has been a really hard year for me. I don't know where this journey will lead to. Yes, I'm stubborn. I can't help where my heart will lead me. I guess for now I plan to leave my current job in January and hopefully I can start a new one in the city I live in now. All I know is I'm ready for a new world.

"Nothing will ever be the same once you take that first step into your dreams"

Your fight with your heart and mind.

Thinking about you by Frank Ocean, Cover(s) by Tori Kelly and Fifth Harmony are my favorites in the series of this song. You are soposed to think about the future and to know what that is for you. As for being an au pair it's not. I had two interviews today. I'm thinking about going to Spain these days. I don't think France is not possible for me anymore. I don't even think about going to Italy. I'm not giving up people. I'm thinking that I need to lower my realities a little bit. I have not had good luck with French families. It's sad but true. No, I'm never going to give up on my French dreams, are you crazy, that's like giving up on my love of Paris, Versailles, and Marie Antoinette. I'm at a breaking point where my heart needs to be followed. My heart is saying leave and go. My mind is saying stay you need to survive. This sucks because I want to do more than chill and daydream. I need the inspiration to keep going no matter what. We all need that no matter what. Yes, this post is all over the place but that's how I feel now and day's all over the place. Every blog I read about people leaving the U.S.A and see the world the way it was meant to be seen. It was meant to be experienced and not just looked at. It's not an museum. We found things to be a hot mess and we turn around to either make it worst or make it a masterpiece. I guess that's what we get for playing with our heart and mind together.

I still don't have an family as of yet but I'm hoping it comes soon. I still want to stay longer than a few months. I wish at this point I was an European like my newfew. He is the luckiest boy in the world. He is not only an american citizen but an European citizen as well. I wish I was lucky. I hate and love that at the same time. Oh well. Dear Europe, you are my love song. I love you and want to see you in person soon, love NY GIRL! Don't we all have dreams. The only thing is mine is an international dream.

Almost at the Dream

Hello! One day more until friday! You have no idea how excited I am to have a weekend again. I don't mind having a weekend. You know that. Anyway, I hope you guys are doing well. I have been busy with my work as normal. Why is my computer being sooo slow this morning? I don't know but I am going to have my music computer...you hear me! My bad. The computer was being stupid on me again but my music is back. I need my music like I need my brownies baby...hahahaha.

As for the news of being an Au pair has changed again. I got some really good prospects and decsions that I have to make now. I will talk about the families who want me to come to there country. As of now I would need to leave in January or December because of the semester ending right when Christmas is coming. I would like to stay in the countries for at least 3 to 12 months. I hope to watch at least 1 to 4 kids at the most. I can handle this better. I want to learn the languaage as well. I want it to be an family enviroment. I can party like a rock star after I come from Europe. Those are my ideas of what I want my life to be like as an Au pair. Let's hope I can stick to it. The first country I will start will be Spain. I have two familes from Spain and a possible third one. The first family I will call "S" has two wonderful girls who I met on Skype. I would be coming to them in January and leave in July. That would be six months and I will speak mostly in English. The second family I will call "B" have three children 2 girls and one boy. I have the interiew with them this weekend. I will get to live with both of the families. The Third one I need to answer there email which I have not looked at as of yet. I will soon after I finish this post. So far the spainish families are wonderful and great. the "S" family has had an Aupair before. The next country is Italy. I was intoduced to Nutella here so my love for Italy is going to be great. I need to have the interview with them this Sunday as well.The family "Y" has three kids as welll and I will be living with the family. All these families so far wants me to come either the end of December or January and would like to stay a year. minus the "S" family. The final two families are from France. The "J" family wants me to come in December and I will live with the single mom. She is willing to teach me French as well. I will deal with one kid. I have an interview saturday so on Friday I will be busy taking care of my house things...go me. I will live in southern france but that's cool. The second family which I will call "L" actually lives in Paris and have two boys. Right now I don't have an interview yet but we will see. I have families to decide on don't I? I'm blessed to have an second opportunity. 

In the end of this, I am going to have to make an decision on the following things...my health, where I want to go, time, the kids, and the parents and my personaity. I won't be going no where unless things are right about it. I need to understand what is good or not. Blessings come to thoses who are willing to bless others each and every day. Well I got to finish what I started. Sorry this was so long but it's worth it. 

Au Pair Round Two

So, I hope you are having an good day. Today is my only off so I will be cleaning, running around and doing all the things I love doing on an Friday...NOT! My week has been bananas. I'm glad I have one more day of this mess than Sunday fun day as most people call it. For me I call it yay! A day for washing clothes...hahaha.

I'm so glad that I have been working so hard to get some of these things together for these kids. I have been getting the changes finally in my head. Sometimes I wish I didn't have my learning disability and hearing impairments but it's my life so I deal with it with a smile and an dance. Now, I need to get to the topic of this post. I have been talking to parents again. One Spanish family almost worked out but picked someone else in the end. One French family decided that I need to wait to get another letter. So I'm waiting on that one and mostly I have been contacted by Spanish families. There are not a lot of French families lately even though that is where I want to go for now. I have also contacted Italian families since I grew up on the island of Sicily, Italy as an child so going back to Italy would be wonderful for me as well. I hope this time that everything work out for me. I don't have an deadline but if I don't go to Europe before my 28th birthday in January then I'll just go there for my birthday week.

Lastly, I'm hoping the government get their acts together so that everyone can live an normal life again. Come on people get your acts together! Step your issues to the left and just do what you have to do already. You are pushing the American people off the American property because you stop doing your job. This is so wrong. I love history but how long is this going to last...47 days. I hope not. Well, I got to go and eat so that I can start my friday on style in the rains that we are getting here. I'm out! Miss NY GIRL

Finding yourself and realizations

I have been on a roll lately with all these heart felt moments of heartbreak, change and realizations lately. As a lot of you may not know...I have been known to give up on somethings. I have giving up on college, life, love, and happiness. I have been thinking that you are soposed to survive each and every moment. However, life is not soposed to be like this. You are soposed to enjoy every min of life either good or bad moments. We can clearly see on T.V. reality shows how other's live. Sadly, they get judged by those simple choices that they made by not only the people around them but all over the world. For example, if someone make one wrong move career wise or personal, they will have to carry that with them for the rest of their life. As for me, my major mistakes only carries with me and my family. I'm thankful that I can be forgiving from the major mistakes that I have made. Yes, I'm realizing that I'm too nice. I allow people to hurt me on purpose just by allowing someone to walk over me. I do it to try to allow people to like and love me. However, being generous and loving is how I am. I'm realizing I need to guard myself a little more. I also need to understand the relationships that I am surrounded by. I have people in my life that just take something away and not give back. In a relationship of any kind needs to have an give and receive method. I'm learning that I only give and not receive anything on the other side. I need to understand that not everyone has my best interest at heart. Yes, people don't care about me but only to use me to get what they need. I see what these people do and just do what I see going on around me without really looking at what I'm doing.

I have an smart mouth to either protect myself or just to be smart in general. The bad part is that I don't really catch it in time. Especially when I am frustrated or upset. I have not been happy lately because I know in my heart that I don't belong here and I want more out of life. I do get so excited for other people but I'm wanting an turn to be happy myself. It's not fun not being happy. I spend my life taking care of others but not really putting that same energy on myself. A lot of that comes from the childhood that I had. I basically had to raise 2 kids by the time I was 12, 3 by 17 and 4 by 25. I wasn't ready to be an secondary mother but took on the role because I grew up without an mother or father. I grew up without the real idea of what an family was. Yes, I was adopted and grew up in a military family but when you are told that you are an burden you try your hardest to please others and find love anywhere. I'm realizing that I have a long way to go.

I'm having to find myself at a time in my life where I see change all around me but I don't see those changes in myself. I need to change a little in order to receive my greatest journey of all. Going to Spain or France will be great for me because it gives me a chance to grow up. So far nothing is working out but I have to believe that it will work out in the end. My heart has been broken so long that I don't know what it is like to really have peace and happiness again. Forgiveness is in order. I'm really happy that I have a place to write my thoughts and be free for once. I may not know what will happen in my life but it's time to be and let be. I have some pen pals to write to tonight and mail them tomorrow. I'm ready for change and peace. So lets start believeing, never giving up, want more for yourself and dream big. Loving this moment, Miss NY Girl

My favorite Music that I have been loving growing up and today

Well, I hope you are having an wonderful day. I wanted to post a thing about music since I love music. I'm on my bed listening to music at the moment. This is an collection of music that I have always rotating these days of both old and new songs. However I will some of the people and songs that I am loving these days.

Ariana Grande: "Almost is never enough", "Baby I"

Justin Timberlake: "Mirrors", "Suit and Tie"

Bruno Mars: "Treasure", "If I was your Man"

BO.B "So Good", ( In love with the song), Beautiful girls

Rihanna: "Diamonds", (There are so many songs of hers I love)

Drake: "Hold on, We are going home" (Let's just say I 'm fan...hahaha)

Katy Perry  "Roar" (Always loved her music. I hope to go to one of her concerts)

Danity Kane: "Damage", " Stay with me" (There are so many more songs that I loved)

Britney Spears: "Toxic", "Baby One More Time" (Back to my middle school days and beyond)

Christina A. "Beautiful" (My favorite song from her)

What life means to me and updates

Hello again. I can't believe that I have been able to write this twice in one week...yay! Is thinking about the future today on this beautiful Friday morning. I prepare to spend time with my beautiful girls this evening since my baby is at school. No, I don't have children but only the children I raised since I was 17 years old. I became responsible for a little girl and she kept calling me mommy ever since. Tomorrow is the Children's Festival and this is my only weekend off so I need to spend it with the girls who love me no matter what.

So far things have been really tiring since I have been getting tired of the job that I have now. I am still trying to deal with the disappointment with the family in France. After having this constant debate on when or if I want to try this again. I gave in with my heart for once and told myself YES! Yes for love, happiness, peace, and truth. This journey of becoming an Au pair is really hard because I don't know if everything will work out or not. I really want to do this because I am ready to do more than ever. I'm ready to move on. I think not only am I going to continue with this but succeed in this. I'm doing both Au pair World agency/website but also find a real agency. I don't understand why do you have agencies if you still have to pay for the flight for yourself. Yes, they help with the governmental things like Visas but still come on people. Right now with me not having 530 + 75 for all the fees I think it might ending up being sometime next year. I will be 28 next year and I'm hoping to be with a family by then.

I'm so ready to move on with my life. I want adventure and being able to travel. Yes, I have an bucket list for Europe. I want to go to the following places/countries...
Germany
France
Spain
Norway
Italy (Hello I was raised there)
Sweden
Austria (Marie Antoinette was born there)
I might even go to the smallest countries in Europe as well

So in the end I want to say life is all about growing, enjoying and exploring life. Everyone's life is different. Everyone goes through different things. Everyone has different dreams. My dreams will be different than yours and I am thankful that this journey that I have to take alone is mine because I don't want anyone trying to be, act or sound like me. I'm one of a kind and want to be treated as if I'm one of an kind. Peace, love and happiness.  N.Y. Girl

The Struggles of becoming an Au Pair

At times I sit on my bed and wonder if I am ever going to make it to become an Au pair. Life sometimes has it's funny way of showing you about yourself. I have given up on a lot of things in the past. I even gave up on finishing college. Anything worth anything will be hard and difficult. However the process of the second go around has been quite interesting to say the least. Other than that I have been really struggling with work these days. I'm really sad because I have not been really happy in a long time. I'm just ready for change. I don't know what's going on or know what to do at this point. Oh well. See ya later..

(Part Two) First day of School and thinking about the future

What do I picture my life to be 5 years from now. I picture myself being in France and living an dream that I always wanted to do. I always wanted to study art in Paris, France. I want to become an Artist and a Elementary Art Teacher. I want to learn the language and culture. I watch YouTube videos of girls and guys who got to go to Europe to discover the world beyond the world that they grew up in. Europe is an unique place since everything is so close together. You get to see not only how people in France live but in Italy, Germany, Portugal, and more countries in one continent. Yes, there are tourist that come over there to see the sights and live as an temporary resident of there but I actually want to live there at least for a year. In five years I would be 32 years old. I would by then went to my high school reunion. I would have done my au pair year in France already and might be back in the United States though. You never know where my life will end up. However, my life will end up I will be happy because if I don't get to live all of my dreams I will live the biggest ones of all. This is what happens when you grow up in Italy and love the slower pace of life. I'm thankful for everything that I have and the dreams of the future knowing that my dreams will come true but that I just have to wait a while. I'm only 27 and willing to wait if it takes me one step closer to my beautiful dreams :)

First week of school and thinking about the future (Part One)

Everything has been super busy lately. I have 23 projects for the kids for this month as well. I teach three and four year old's. I also work the night shift and on Saturday's as well. Things lately have been hectic for me. I'm so tired but to see the kids excited about art makes me smile :). Lately have been dealing with the lovely forever late bus called HRT (Hampton Roads Transit which is the bus system that is located in Hampton Roads of the 7 cities). I'm so over it! I wish they get their acts together. I'm serious. They can't be on time for anything. It take me 2.5 almost 3 hours to get to work and back. So you see that my day doesn't end at my job but riding the HRT does age you as well. I am thankful for the bus system even though they get on my nerves for not being on time. We need to be on time yo! As you can see, I have been really busy with work. I forgot to say that I have been having some fun as well. I'm doing some shopping and eating out. I'm not having to worry about money, a home or even food anymore like I was the first six months of this year because of me being on an serious illness that I got over. I'm thankful for everything that I have even though things get on my nerves and people don't have common sense.

Lately, they have been holidays like September 11th. At our school we had an moment of silence. I just did it in my head. I'm an born New Yorker so we must thank all the wonderful people who save our lives each and everyday. Even here with me living in Virginia I must say thank you to all the people who work in service to give and never receive an thank you. Here it is for me...Thank you for all you give no matter what time of day or night. Thank you for sacrifice the time and love that you have for the jobs that you do. Thank you from an international girl named NY Girl!

Part Two coming soon

"We need to give it second chance...so why not...Labor Day Weekend"

Listening to Bruno Mars' song right now "Treasure". It's one of my summer songs...Oh yeah! Sadly summer is almost over. I have not been able to enjoy anything between working and trying to get things done...Oh NO!!! Summer don't leave me!!!!!!!! I love summer. It has my heart. I am going to the beach on Monday so today it's my get my things done day. I'm going to do things right. You know me...I'm a crazy girl who will clean on an Sunday. So, I'm going to see if I can find an final swimsuit. I want a 2 piece but maybe next year for that one. So I'm going to enjoy the last summer vacation...Let's see If I can get my last days of summer :)

I was going to quit trying to become an Au pair. Then I thought about it. This family wasn't the one for me and there is another family who would want me someday. Yes, this proved to me that I'm willing to do something different and exciting. Yes, I am going to leave and have an year to experience something different. Every place around the world is going through changes. Everyone want to live an quality life where they can live peacefully and raise there families. I hope one day that we can live in a peaceful world full of hope and happiness. I have learned a lot about myself this year. This has been a year of growth and understanding. I have given up on myself for so long and finding out I wasn't going to France was the biggest disappointment since college. I have realized how important this really means to me. I'm thankful that this helped me at a time I was at my lowest in my life. It gave a reason to look towards the future so I don't mind giving this an second chance. Yes I have changed I and grown up. Yes, I have raised 4 kids, take care of countless others and have inspired others to live in spite of all the hardships. I may have to live on this earth alone since my parents are deceased but they shine above me guarding their angel  All of this has told me that I will leave finally but I need to be patient a little longer. You can live your dreams but you must work really hard. No one is just going to hand over your dream in your hand. I wish it was that easy. So, Yes, I am going to France but I just have to wait. So Drake was right....."Nothing was ever the same".

My Dreams of France are over...Good Bye France!

It has been an really emotional week. I have been crying a lot because of my new reality. I will not be going to France for now. I'm heartbroken. So you see, my host family decided to not even contact me anymore and it's 5 weeks before I was going to leave. As for now, I have been trying to figure out what to do now. I still have my job but I'm not sure if I want to continue this whole idea of being an au pair or find an different way of leaving Virginia. My heart doesn't belong here. At least everyone can breathe an side of relieve now that I'm not leaving. Even my roommate told me that she wasn't too excited for me to leave. I'm learning that I shouldn't tell anyone when I'm leaving but two months before next time. At least next year I do have an family that wants me in Lyon, France. As for now, I plan to just work as an Art Teacher. I'm heartbroken but realizing that sometimes it might be worth it to just stay put. I have learned that I need to think more and make sure that it's the right thing to do. I still admire everyone who does this whole Au pair idea. Yes, I did this on my own without an agency but now I think an agency may be easier. At least I'll have the support needed to leave. I'm just hoping that the money I will spend on an agency will be good. I'll have to save up for this. I want to have the best for myself and I guess my au pair dreams will be either dashed forever or just put on hold. I'll just let fate decide. I hope I get to live my dreams someday but for now it's time to survive in the real world without an support system and learning that being alone is hard, hard work. That's my current reality. My dreams of France are over...Good Bye France. Love, Miss NY Girl *tears, tears, tears*

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the craziest of them all?

Feeling like an tornado and a train coming inside my head. With everything all over the place and the damage of the aftermath is my life. As everything gets closer and closer the end is far but almost near. I'm dealing with the reality of everything. My job ends in a month just as I leave for Washington D.C for the visa. The day after that meeting I'm dealing with my last day of work. After that I have two weeks to make money and worry about flying, packing and saying good bye to my first family ( sister, brother in law, J, L, and M) my second family (my friends and their families), my church family (the last Sunday in September) and finally to Virginia. My first family doesn't know yet and they will learn sooner than later now that J is back from her vacation.

What I still I need to do....EVERYTHING!!!! I not just got to prepare for the visa appointment but also to do the final calendar for my job. I'll just do that at my job to keep me busy...lol. Everything is going bananas and I'm a monkey all over the place. AHHH!!! Thank Goodness for Justin Timberlake, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, lil Wayne, Trey Songz and others. Thanking Goodness for the music and people who create them. Tonight as I sit under the covers and dream of France. I dream of Nutella being cheaper. I also dream of blue skies. So I asked in the beginning of the post..."Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, who is the craziest of them all? I got a answer for you. As I sit on the bed listening to all different kinds of music, the answer will be the girl who allows people to stress her out. So who is that I asked you guys. I can say...ME! So let it go and let it be you silly clueless american au pair. You really live up to your name don't you...lol? Why yes I do.

Thinking about you: Finding ways to make it A-OK

You might be wondering...what is this!?! Well, everyone I know so far are so concerned about this whole adventure I'm taking for many reasons. My sister doesn't know as of yet but she will go crazy. I'm leaving for a country that I don't know anybody in, I'm gone for 11 months and no one knows if I am going to be OK or not. To be honest, they worry about me being kidnapped in Europe. I am not going to lie and say that I want to travel to Italy at least. After all, I grew up in Sicily, Italy for three of my life. Yes, the world we live in is an dangerous place but that should not stop someone from wanting to experience the world. Every country has it's good and bad people with it. So this is what I'll do for now. I will let them see this blog and have a you tube channel as well to keep them in the know that I am going to be alright in Marseilles, France. Oh guess what people....45 days to go and an visa appointment hopefully on the 13th of September. I got to get things done NOW!!!! Love you for worrying. I may not be the easiest person to love or deal with but you love me anyway and that is what I appreciate. Thank you

Love you!!! 

The all important paperwork(s) for France...HELP!!!!

I have never told you what I need to do and how to get this all important long term stay visa.(You need this visa if you are staying more than 3 months in France) I will have this down so I can remember it all. So far I'm in the beginning stages of it all.

You will need:
*The Contract: The contract will tell you how many hours you will work, how much money you will get, where you will be living (how many rooms in the house, where you will be staying), how long you will be staying, what kinds of cleaning you will do, and more

*Your high school/college diploma and medical certificate translated in French

*The all important passport for the French labor people to stamp

*For me, I may have some extra things translated because of my special needs. Since I will be in school things are different for me in the United States. I have no clue how the French teachers and school will react to it.

*You have to write an statement on why you want to come to France. I made it a page and a half. Well I double spaced it so they can read it. That will have to be translated in French. I just ended up using Goggle Translate.

*I will have this in my Au pair book so when I go to the French embassy in Washington D.C. I'm thankful that it's only 1-2 hours away from me. ( there is a page on what that Au pair book will consist of)

*Getting passport pictures

*Proof of the address

*notes* As I get through the process I will add more to this list. :)

Giving up or Keep it moving?

The question everyone ask when you are a child "What are you going to be when you grow up"? For me, It was being an Elementary Art Teacher/Artist. Yes, I still want to become an teacher and an artist. However, I had to make sacrifices for others and that forced me to change from forcing on myself to give to the point to losing my self. I am the loving free-spirit girl who is easy going and willing to do anything for others in a min. before I do anything for myself. What have I learned since leaving Maury High School in 2005 that I have a beautiful heart and willing to bring smiles to people faces by being silliy. However, I need to work on putting all the energy I put on others into myself, being more bold and standing for myself, and finally stop having these impossible expectations for myself.

Which leads me into the tittle of this post "Giving up or Keep it moving"? I put this here to tell you don't allow others to lead you away from what you want to do. Either it's going to Bush Gardens, going to college, moving across the country or moving across the world. Life is timeless. I have gave up on so many things so that I can survive here on my part time job here in Virginia. This wasn't part of my dream. This is what happens when you just accept life instead of creating your own dreams for yourself. For me, this is my path towards understand my life. You have to understand that everyone has to go through the worst times to appreciate the best of times. Accept all opportunities that comes your way and you will go far in life. My everyone's life path is different and learn from others along the way. Loving and being scared of my changes but willing to work through it all so that this time I won't live with the regrets that I have lived so far in the past 6 years of my life. Loving my life's lesson love... Miss NYG 

Thinking about you France: The Preparation

Waking up on an beautiful summer day, thinking about the future and listening to Tori Kelly on You tube. That Tori is super talented to the fullest. My favorite so far is Thinking about you cover with Angie Girl. I'm also going to find an art activity for the kids today. I'm thinking about making a sun for the little kids that they can paint but for the older ones who are in actual school I'll have to think a little harder. That's what the internet for. I don't normally teach the older ones but I love challenges and I'm a challenge anyway. I'm so tired but I'm going to keep it going anyway. I got three more days until I rest. I work a part-time job so it takes a lot of my time preparing for the kids.

As for preparing for France has started to become real. I leave in two months. I'll be on an airplane on October 1sr 2013. I'll end up in France on October 2nd. I can't believe I have this amazing opportunity to learn so much about not only France but what I can do as well. I better represent New York, Italy and my families to the fullest. I'm having so much that needs to get done like finally tell my boss the actual date I'm leaving, tell my family, my landlord, my church since I sing in a choir, getting the all important visa, packing, shopping for a new suitcase, and figure out if I can fly to see my best friend before hand. I'm determined to enjoy the rest of my summer and enjoy my life as it is at the moment. Well, I got to get ready for work. Love, NY Girl :) 

The Inspiration of an New Yorker to find French Dreams

When I was growing up I watched Disney movies like Cinderella, Snow White, and The Lion King. Every one of those movies have like this happy ending sort of thing. For me, they had messages like if you can believe than it can happen or dreams do come true. What I have learned in reality that you must fight for your dreams and be inspired by people who believe in your dreams. Yes, life has it's ups and downs but it's worth it in the end. It worked out. She is allowing me to come a month later after all. There will be more sacrifices on my end but I'm finally doing something that I want to do for myself. For now I'm having to give up so much but it's worth it because on Tuesday, October 1st I'm leaving for Marseilles, France. I had to move the date to accommodate my job's needs. It's alright because it gives me two months to do everything I must do and gives my friends time to say goodbye. I'm also going to surprise my best friend and fly out of Chi-town international airport for France! She doesn't know anything yet so I'm surprising her. She is having a baby so this will be the first time I'll have seen her since I left college 6 years ago. This is my inspiration from an New Yorker to an French girl who says Disney was right because dreams do come true

My Disappointments and reflections

I do not understand. I do not understand what just happened. Please hear me out because I may cry this evening. I wish to have a hug because I am really, really, really sad. One moment I'm fantasizing and reading blogs about France and the next min. I'm sitting here on my bed in tears knowing I may not be able to go at all. Tomorrow or sometime next week I will talk to my host mom about me coming. You see my job has asked me to stay here to work an extra month because of the new semester starting and I need to give my job time to search for an new teacher to replace me before I can leave. I wish I knew they would need two months then I would have told her before everything. If she does find a new person for a month then I will still have to wait. This sucks to the fullest. No I know I don't need to complain since I'm only an American girl with French dreams. I just hope and pray that someone could just watch them for a month until I can make it. I hope what ever happens it will be the best for all of us. I just know if I'm willing to start over to find another family. It took from March until July to find a family. I feel like I'm in future break up with a family. This is not helping that I listening to Drake's song "Marvin's Room". This is so disappointing for me

Some happier news...One of my friends from high school had her baby shower today. It's so different to have so many of my high school friends to have babies and getting married. I'm one of the few girls left who are still single and not having babies. I'm too scared to be having a kid. I am willing to see the world and enjoy my single life as much as possible. I already experienced the life of being an secondary mother. I loved being an secondary mother even though I had to give up my life for someone eles' life but to see a child sleeping on a bed at the end of the day is golden. I love it when a child shows me what they did today at school. I love those bounding moments. For now, I just want the best for me and my second and first families. I just need some motivation to figure my life and reflections out. One day I will tell you my real name. .

Your moment has arrived part two

I'm spending this beautiful morning in my bed. It has been a crazy week with my new schedule. My summer schedule rocks! I have not had the time to send out my contract back to France yet. I need to send it back...asap (as soon as possible). I'm going to be playing catch up today by cleaning my house, signing my contract, getting my Au-pair book together and trying to rest. We have a kiddo in our house for the moment but that's OK. I have been upset with people lately because some people don't believe that I can do this. I believe I can do anything but finding someone who believes in my dreams has been hard. Yes, being on my own has it's ups and downs but I'm loving my Independent nature. My roommate has said I'm too Independent. Searching through my feelings has it's place in this blog because this journey is not all just exciting moments but having those moments of giving up. Making this decision to actually do this has been quite puzzling. Reading blogs of kids from Europe coming here to America is inspiring. I admire these girls to the fullest. There are some american Au pairs coming to Europe to discover life. I'm scared to the fullest. I just hope I'm going to be OK. I'm doing this! Sorry if this is all-over the place since it's one of my thinking moments. I'm going to miss my baby...J! (she is my sisters 3rd child) She is leaving for Texas today. I love my baby girl! Enjoy the rest of your summer love! I will love and miss you. However, telling you I'm leaving for France will the hardest moment of my life. I love you so much J!

Your moment has arrived...the contract

Hello! I hope you enjoy your day so far. Well the contract has come safely to my house from France to the United States. I'm not opening it until I finish my room. I have cleaned up my house but not my room. Why? I'm too tired that's why. I have an extremely short attention span. I can deal with kids because we are constantly changing activities. While it takes me three hours to clean my house. It wears me out to the fullest. Too much details, too long, and concentration for me...lol. I don't know how I deal with kids all day like I do.

Anyway, the letter is on my dresser away from me. I am here to deal with my thoughts before opening it. I'm realizing it is becoming reality that this is real and not a dream in my head. I feel like I'm staring at myself in a mirror hoping this is a dream but it's not. I feel calm. I feel hopeful. I do know that some of the people in my life will not be happy for me but we are just going to say...NEXT!!! I'm about me now. No, I'm not an selfish person but I know what happens if I don't do this. I will end up saying "What if". "What if I left for Marseille, France"? I just don't want to know "What If" anymore. I rather know what would life be in Marseille. I know I will be working but I also know it's worth it. I can do this...right? Well, I'll tell you more when I get the contract opened and I figured everything out. I will leave you with this..."Everything is possible to those who will just simply believe"

I have learned about an serious heartbreaking lesson...Fear

Are you really fearless or you are afraid?

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not afraid of anything. That is far from the actual truth. I'm afraid of a lot of things like bugs aka spiders, roaches and anything that crawls that I don't know about that is considered a bug. Yuck! You see I grew up with fear as like a best friend who is always at your side saying this isn't right you can't do this at all. It's like a infection. Fear grows inside of you more and more until a monster is born. It doesn't go away with you saying shoo fly don't bother me. Instead it just stays. Fear allows you to neglect your life as a result of living with fear. I have paid a serious price for living in fear. I have given up my dreams because of my fears. It's not a way to live and now with this beautiful possibility it may force me to give it up as well.

 It has made me realize that changes in my life are being made and I am blessed about the opportunity given to me but it makes me want to RUN! There are women who does this every year from 18 to 30. They either leave their country for another one in the EU, Canada, China or even the U.S.A. I give it up to the women who actually leave their country for America. I can understand why they would want to come here and learn about our culture. We live in a beautiful country that I have not seen completely. I have never been to the heartland or the western states. We are very lucky to have the opportunities here in America that other's around the world do not have at all.

I wanted to write this to make other's understand that you should not have to give up something because you are scared. Yes what we are doing might be crazy to some people but this is our way not only to see the world but other's cultures and language as well. This is our educational moment. Like someone said to me last year...you may not have been able to finish college yet but you will under your own time. You are just waiting for your moment. So go out and be fearless and overcome every obstacle that is standing in your way. This is my time and moment and it just happens to be right now.

Everything is about to change...

I'm sitting here on my purple and grey bed set, listening to piano music and drinking water. It is 12:17 at night but it is already sunday morning. It's my ex's birthday. Happy Birthday love. I wonder about the future and realizing that this is it. I have found my French family. Yes, it will not be in the heart of Paris or Lyon but I am ok with that. However, it will be in Marseille, France. I'm going to Marseille, France everybody! I will be living for 11 months in the south of france. My host family and I are in the process of getting the contract in order and I will be starting the long process of getting my visa. Anyone want to do the visa for me? I'm a little concerned about it all because this will be my first time being an au pair and worry about the simple things that I have taken for granted like being able to read in English. When I get to France everything will be spoken or written in French. I am having a freak out moment...ahhhhh!!!

 I just want to sit in the park and just meditate. Maybe I should do that during the day when people are around. What I miss the most is my mother. I wish she was here in person to enjoy my success in all of this. I wish she would be sitting here on my bed telling me that I can do anything. I thought by now I would get over losing a mom but I'm realizing you may never get over it. Knowing tonight when I need something the most my mom comes through my dreams and talks to her youngest daughter. She encourages me and gives me the love. That is the best thing about having my mom being an angel over me. She understands my heart from above. In all of that I end up finding something that I need...peace. I may not know how everything will go or how I am going to get through it all but I do know this...Everything is about to change.

Thankful and Hopeful

As you may know at one point in the last few weeks I had families in both Spain and France picking me and I thought that I would be able to go and leave. Sadly, the family I really want to go to in France said no. I'm a little sad and disappointed to say in the least because I got so excited about it. I'm glad that I have this little diary about my journey because this is challenging to say the least. I really loved this family and I ended up picking this family only to be held back again. I was ready to sign on with them. I have never thought I was going to be so emotional about picking a family before. I try not to get emotional about people not liking me or wanting me. In this case I feel very different. Maybe it's because I put my heart into it and I put myself out there too much. I don't know. I can't imagine what it's like for these women that I have read in their blogs go through. Leaving there families to work at a job that might not work out too well is brave. I really do admire you girls for doing this amazing journey. I just hope I can be able to experience this. All I did was read Wikipedia about this and started my research, got on Aupair World and meet some amazing families. I'm thankful for the opportunity but not sure if I still want to continue on this journey or not.We will see.

I'm thankful for the simple things like being able to walk, talk, hear out of my right ear, dance, sing, play and enjoy the little things. With the American Independence day coming up this week I have been reading my history and proud to be an american because we have this Independence that we as american's take for granted. In some countries you can't speak about politics or how the government is run. There are many other things but I want to say to founding fathers thank you. Thank you for your dream of a country where we can worship how we choose, protecting our rights as citizens and being able to be free. Yes, we live in time where racism is still real, hate, and our economy are some of the most important issues that we face but we are still a blessed nation. As I get ready to close this post I want to be thankful for everything that I have but hopeful for the future for all the people in the world. Happy Early Independence Day Y'all :) It's my favorite holiday in the world :) :) :) *Dance, Dance*

Dreams and Realities Ahead Part II

This family will be living in the middle of France. They have 3 children all girls. Most of the kids are really young. The oldest kid in the group that I may watch is 8 year old boy. All the kids are really young. So they are in the age group I really want. Now there are others but I have not really heard from them too much. There has been some hit and misses. Some families have talked to me but never gave me more information. I don't have too much more time with interviewing since I have to start the whole visa process soon. It has to under 3 months old so doctor appointments and stuff has to be taken care of and I need to do that soon as possible. Hopefully I can do it all in a timely manner. I'm not sure since my dream is to go to France because that's where my heart is really but I'm willing to go to Spain because I feel like the families are more genuine. What will stop me from going to spain is the visa because they don't play around and I'm not feeling the idea of being deported out of the country. So it may end up being france for just that reason. However going to Spain will teach me about a new language that I should had paid attention to as it spoken here as well since we have immigrants that speak spanish. my best friend speaks French and English. I really going to have to dig deep into my heart and soul. I'm also going to have to research each country as well. Thankfully I have been keeping up with the news. That will also determine where I go as well. My heart is torn is really torn.

Decisions and Realities Ahead Part I

I can't believe I'm sitting here on my bed thinking about the final decisions I will have to make soon. I never thought that one day in March looking at something on wikipedia about an au pair would lead to this. I didn't believe that girls and boys really do leave their homes and live in another country from anywhere from 1 to 12 months at most. I didn't know that some leave longer than that and may lead into other things. Reading about other ladies blogs on the subject made me want to see if I could do this myself. It made me wonder what life outside the United States is like. Believe me I love my hometown of New York City. I'm an New Yorker by heart and birth. I love my favorite holidays of Independence Day, Christmas and of course my birthday. I love the fact that IHOP and 7/11 is open 24/7. I love Forever21, art museums, and dancing in parades that I have no business being in. I love my language of English and being able to understand the simple things but realizing this made me realize how blessed we truly are as americans. We are generally safe here in America. Yes, we as americans take for granted the simple things like walking, talking, laughing and slowing down our lives for a second. We are constantly on the move and never truly stop to think or enjoy our lives. Unless you include dancing on the dance floor on the weekends...lol. I'm blessed to the fullest to have what I have...period. I'm going to miss everything that I have but gain even more.

As for the decision I have to make on which country I must leave for Spain or France. I wish my friends make the decision for me but so far I'm not getting a mixture but mostly Spain or hope for the best. There are going to be somethings that will affect my decision like the place (city, town or country), the family, visa requirements, and my heart into it. My first family which I will call Ms. I lives in Spain. Her family live in the southeast part of Spain. Her family has 3 children (one boy and two girls). So a climate like Sicily, Italy that I grew up in. My second family which I will call Ms. Y lives in Spain. Her family live in the middle of spain. She has 2 children (one boy and one girl). My third family which I will call Ms. S and lives in France. She lives in southeast part of France. She lives in a city. This is a british family that happens to live in France. They have three children (two boys and one girl). I have one more family which I will call Ms. T. They live here in Virginia and are going back to France this year so I will get to meet them in person. I will have to finish writing in part 2 to not make this too long....

The dreams of a little girl...

Is it crazy that I had a dream about a little girl swinging around and playing?

No, it's not crazy but wanting to see myself as a little girl again. I have never really dream about that too much. I guess we forget what it is like to wonder, grow and take everything in. Even I forget to just let life come to you and enjoy every moment. We often must worry about surviving, having enough food on the table, having a good job and just being lucky to be apart of this earth. It doesn't matter where you live you are constantly dealing with the demands called life. As a child we are not supposed to worry about life but live and relive (by retelling the story over and over) but as an adult everything changes. I realized how I wasn't ready for it all. At my age you would think I would just shut it up and keep it moving and stop being a baby. Believe me I do it and put my life in constant danger because of it. Well, I'm not that simple, am I? I guess no one is anymore. There are so many new treats these days and low tolerance of everything from religion to education. It's sad. We can't allow kids to be kids anymore but mini adults who have a harder time deal with life later on because the tools we need to deal with life are not there. It's scary what grief and heartbreak would do to a beautiful little girl. It makes you closed in and not enjoy life. So what does all of this have to do with me...everything. I was that little girl who was swinging around playing but wanting something more than money couldn't buy me. I wanted a real childhood. I didn't get that between losing my family because of death and abuse I learn to be alone. I struggle with friendships, family, spelling, understanding things, being a child in a 27 year old body and most of all acceptance. We need to accept life and people at where they are in there life and not hurt them in any way form or fashion. We need to respect people. Most importantly respect life. In the end the little girl got to play with children. I'm blessed that I get to do that with the kids I teach everyday no matter how difficult my day gets. I get to do what I'm so good at now...smile. 

That what was my look at your self moment but in Au Pair news I got to talk to a spanish family. So far the family is nice and sweet. I really do hope I get to talk to more soon. I hope I get the job. I do like this family and willing to learn spanish. I'm also talking to two french families. One an hour away from Paris and one in the city of Paris. These families seem really nice so far and I'm leaning towards france. However, until then I'm going to enjoy my last summer in Virginia. I'm also going to be working a second job so that I can afford things. I'm not playing anymore these are my dreams on the line and determination is key. I'm really lucky to have this opportunity to be able to even interview for these families. I hope I do get this experience. This has taught me so far that you can never stop having experiences or dreams. You can only stop them by not believing or giving up. Never give up on your dreams or yourself. It has taken me years to understand this and I'll never let this lesson go. It has taken seven years to understand the reality of fear and how powerful it can be on a person. Fear is the living reality of death. You are not living if you are in fear but dying in a walking state. I know that sounds scary but that is how I view fear now. I have lived in serious fear and I have overcome some fears and I know I need to overcome some more. This time around I'm willing to do this for me. It's for me to discover freedom. The freedom of being that little girl on the swing who just wanna have fun. :) 

Starting of summer: Growing up Pains and Heartbreaks

Finally! Summer is here in Virginia!!! These days I'm dealing with changes as I'm trying to redefine my life. I'm trying to figure out my life while dealing with people who don't quite understand the reality of our friendship. I'm realizing that I'm changing and that I'm not willing to be so giving anymore. Is that so bad that I gave myself until the point of being burnt out? I believe that this is why I have not been willing to do anything these days. I hope that people will understand that I'm not the same person anymore. I am more that just the girl who has always had to prove herself. I'm the sweetest  person you will ever know but I can the meanest person if you get on my bad side. My best friend call it the black side of me. Yes I'm a crazy black girl walking around always getting nearly killed by a car daily because of living with my hearing impairment (One of my major issues that I live with). I wish there was a rule book for me that says this is how you live your life will go. It will be like a warning book of sorts of who is going to hurt, love, and be there for you even before you reach that point. However, I'm realizing that I just got to keep going, be myself, smile and keep the haters hatting because they have nothing else to do.

Meanwhile in the Au pair world...I'm really proud to say that I have three families so far who is interested in me. One in Spain and Two in France. I'm waiting to find out when the interviews will take place. With me wanting to start this adventure in September or October I have realized how dangerous and scary of what I'm doing. I hope I choose the right family and place for me. The Au pair life will not an easy life because of me not knowing spanish at all and have the little basic's of the french language, knowing the place I will be living, the family really liking me or not, surviving a whole new country without another support system out there, having a social life and living with a family, lastly with me having my daily problems with having my disabilities. It's not just the unknowns but of safety. However, I'm not going to live my life because you can't walk down the street or being fearful these days. The thugs like I will call them will want us to not come and learn the beautiful languages and cultures of these beautiful countries. I have been doing research and reading other blogs out there featuring these countries. I'm continuing to do that while preparing for all of this. Well, I got to go and I hope you enjoy the season where you are. I'm ready to enjoy which will hopefully be my last summer in my beautiful home country of the United States of America. 

"We never had it so good so smile your heart out"

"So Smile...and pack your bags real good baby because you will be gone for a while,while, while". -"So Good" I'm in love with B.O.B's song "So Good". Granted it is an old song but old well. It's a oldie but so good. I'm singing this song like summer is already here in my bed. As you can see music is like the soundtrack of my life. I can remember my life though songs. This also applies with food but I don't even want to go there. It might take days to really put all in words. For example my love for Nutella and oodles and noodles. The staples I grew up in Italy. Oh I should say Sicily, Italy. I will revisit there someday and hopefully remember where Maria's mother lived at with all that yummy Italian food. The blessings of having those wonderful experiences.

My life so far is going at a lighting speed these days. I'm running around trying to prepare for Mother's Day. For me Mother's Day is to recognize the women who had to become my mothers over the years. Since, both of my parents are dead, I have been lucky to have my sister raise me. I'm not an easy person to love or to deal with. My sister, a couple of women at church, one of my friends and my roommate get mother's day cards from me. As a thank you for showing me what a mother's love is like. So that's my way to honor mother's day. I even do something my mommy since she my beautiful angel. I love and miss my mommy.

Oh yes, this whole Au pair thing is coming with challenges for me. I should say anything with me come with challenges. Well since I'm older than I can only go to certain countries like France, Denmark  Sweden  Turkey and Spain. The only problem is the only language that I can speak a little bit other than English is Italian. I took one semester of French class in college. I can read French better than I can speak it. That's the funny part. However the wonderful news is that I have an interview next week for an family in Turkey. I'll be on two continents if that happened. If I can handle being an Child Care Teacher for 2 and 3 year old's than I can handle anything. I only have until the end of this month to find a family because of my September deadline. I have not found my second job to afford the trip out of here. It's about to be an busy summer. Peace out!!!! <3

Becoming an au pair in Europe or live in Miami, Florida....Which one?

     I'm listening to music as I type this. I love all types of music as long as it gets me out of my seat and start to dance my heart out. Well, my day was busy as I ran around trying to get errands done. Then I cooked dinner which was spaghetti with broccoli and sausage. I also had some bread as well. For desert it was chocolate cookies. I don't cook too often but when I do I do a good job. I have never been too found of cooking since I take of children for a living. It's part of my job to cook right? Sometimes I did that as an babysitter with other families and sometimes I just help fix the food. It depends. I rather wash dishes. I leave the cooking to my amazing roommate. Her birthday is tomorrow so Happy Birthday Roomie!!! I got an card for her I'm so excited to give it to her. I didn't have a lot of money so I got her a card. It's the thought that counts....right?

      I have been working on this idea of becoming an au pair lately. I have been researching this since I have not heard about it until this year.  I'm lucky because in some countries I am still able to go and learn a whole new culture. I love history,children and art so why not. The only thing...I need to get that au pair job first. Right now I'm still looking for a family to take me in. I hope to find a family that will be willing to take me in. Since I'm one of the older girls I'm on border-line too old for this program in some countries. Lucky in the following countries I can still try to get into like France, Spain, China, Denmark, Turkey, Norway and Sweden. I only speak English. I was lucky as an child to speak Italian since I went to Italy. I can only say my numbers and some of the colors now. That's sad. The other opportunity that I have been thinking about is trying to find a job in Miami, Florida. I want to be an childcare provider in Florida like I do now. As long as I can work to do something I love than I'm all good. Either way these opportunities will be good for me towards become a better person. I just only want the best for myself and a better life.


As for me, I'm going back to dancing to music. I got to go back my party of one....bye and enjoy your day!!!!

"When you believe in what you are doing than anything is possible"

Hi,  I hope you having a wonderful day thus far. I guess your wondering why I'm writing this blog. I'm writing this blog because I'm at a place where I plan on leaving one home into another. I wanted to document my journey about me discovering myself and off to a new world. 

I am the sweetest person you will ever know. Yes I have my crazy moments of doing stupid things but who doesn't as an 27 year old. I can't tell you all the crazy things that I have done in the past 7 years in Norfolk, Virginia, U.S.A. I have decided to embark on this journey to either move to Florida or become an au pair in France coming up in September. I wanted to change my life competely. If things don't work out then I'll have an back up plan just in case things don't work out. However, I really want to become an au-pair in France since I'm having this love obsession with France. I'll thank Marie Antoinette and the french revolution for that one. My love for history and art goes back as an child. If that doesn't happen there is Miami, Florida. I love the idea of living back in Florida. I do have some serious challenges ahead like getting my health in order, leaving a job that I have loved for the past three years and finding those jobs. I just started an amazing journey. I hope I am able to share my failures and victories over the next few months. 

Well, I got to get ready to leave the blogging world for now. I'll tell you how I got this idea and what I'm doing but for now I'm going to leave you with these words "When you believe in what you are doing anything is possible". Believe in you and in your dreams. Have a wonderful day.