My Disappointments and reflections

I do not understand. I do not understand what just happened. Please hear me out because I may cry this evening. I wish to have a hug because I am really, really, really sad. One moment I'm fantasizing and reading blogs about France and the next min. I'm sitting here on my bed in tears knowing I may not be able to go at all. Tomorrow or sometime next week I will talk to my host mom about me coming. You see my job has asked me to stay here to work an extra month because of the new semester starting and I need to give my job time to search for an new teacher to replace me before I can leave. I wish I knew they would need two months then I would have told her before everything. If she does find a new person for a month then I will still have to wait. This sucks to the fullest. No I know I don't need to complain since I'm only an American girl with French dreams. I just hope and pray that someone could just watch them for a month until I can make it. I hope what ever happens it will be the best for all of us. I just know if I'm willing to start over to find another family. It took from March until July to find a family. I feel like I'm in future break up with a family. This is not helping that I listening to Drake's song "Marvin's Room". This is so disappointing for me

Some happier news...One of my friends from high school had her baby shower today. It's so different to have so many of my high school friends to have babies and getting married. I'm one of the few girls left who are still single and not having babies. I'm too scared to be having a kid. I am willing to see the world and enjoy my single life as much as possible. I already experienced the life of being an secondary mother. I loved being an secondary mother even though I had to give up my life for someone eles' life but to see a child sleeping on a bed at the end of the day is golden. I love it when a child shows me what they did today at school. I love those bounding moments. For now, I just want the best for me and my second and first families. I just need some motivation to figure my life and reflections out. One day I will tell you my real name. .