I have been on a roll lately with all these heart felt moments of heartbreak, change and realizations lately. As a lot of you may not know...I have been known to give up on somethings. I have giving up on college, life, love, and happiness. I have been thinking that you are soposed to survive each and every moment. However, life is not soposed to be like this. You are soposed to enjoy every min of life either good or bad moments. We can clearly see on T.V. reality shows how other's live. Sadly, they get judged by those simple choices that they made by not only the people around them but all over the world. For example, if someone make one wrong move career wise or personal, they will have to carry that with them for the rest of their life. As for me, my major mistakes only carries with me and my family. I'm thankful that I can be forgiving from the major mistakes that I have made. Yes, I'm realizing that I'm too nice. I allow people to hurt me on purpose just by allowing someone to walk over me. I do it to try to allow people to like and love me. However, being generous and loving is how I am. I'm realizing I need to guard myself a little more. I also need to understand the relationships that I am surrounded by. I have people in my life that just take something away and not give back. In a relationship of any kind needs to have an give and receive method. I'm learning that I only give and not receive anything on the other side. I need to understand that not everyone has my best interest at heart. Yes, people don't care about me but only to use me to get what they need. I see what these people do and just do what I see going on around me without really looking at what I'm doing.
I have an smart mouth to either protect myself or just to be smart in general. The bad part is that I don't really catch it in time. Especially when I am frustrated or upset. I have not been happy lately because I know in my heart that I don't belong here and I want more out of life. I do get so excited for other people but I'm wanting an turn to be happy myself. It's not fun not being happy. I spend my life taking care of others but not really putting that same energy on myself. A lot of that comes from the childhood that I had. I basically had to raise 2 kids by the time I was 12, 3 by 17 and 4 by 25. I wasn't ready to be an secondary mother but took on the role because I grew up without an mother or father. I grew up without the real idea of what an family was. Yes, I was adopted and grew up in a military family but when you are told that you are an burden you try your hardest to please others and find love anywhere. I'm realizing that I have a long way to go.
I'm having to find myself at a time in my life where I see change all around me but I don't see those changes in myself. I need to change a little in order to receive my greatest journey of all. Going to Spain or France will be great for me because it gives me a chance to grow up. So far nothing is working out but I have to believe that it will work out in the end. My heart has been broken so long that I don't know what it is like to really have peace and happiness again. Forgiveness is in order. I'm really happy that I have a place to write my thoughts and be free for once. I may not know what will happen in my life but it's time to be and let be. I have some pen pals to write to tonight and mail them tomorrow. I'm ready for change and peace. So lets start believeing, never giving up, want more for yourself and dream big. Loving this moment, Miss NY Girl
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